Collage 13

“I just realised that cutting out text is also a good idea. Words like: meltdown, grief, SOS, spies inside, up in flames, quantum leap, epidemic, false, robotic biology, nothing, coming clean, roots of disease, the noise of billions of brain cells, black swan, does mourning become a mental illness?, birds of prey… all seemed to have something in common. And then the images: obviously brains goes without saying as you are dealing with something that’s mental, and then presumably its got something to do with your brain. Mincemeat, well that’s how I feel, just like a lump of mincemeat, no fabric about me whatsoever. And then a steak just because its meat again. And this howling animal, whatever it is, or maybe its screeching, or maybe its just about to bite, I don’t know is how I feel. I’m a victim of my own shit. Of my own brain, and its attacking me. I love the robot because that’s how I feel: totally out of control. I am not in control at all, somebody else is controlling me. I don’t know how to control myself. And this woman here next to the boot seemed to be smelling her armpit, while massaging somebody else. I don’t know what that’s about, but its just to do with behaving and being on a side of existence which is not very palatable. And this beetle here, with the red head and black and yellow stripes on his back, well he’s just a thing of gorgeous beauty as is the plant around it and I know there is beauty around, but do you think I can find it? No, I bloody can’t! I mean I slightly recognize beauty, but am I anything to do with it? Am I making it? Not really. This hair assembly over the top of quantum leap, it was something that was flying away. It was so crazy and wonderful that I thought ‘that’s where I’d love to be, somewhere crazy and wonderful. Quantum leap is required’. I know loads of people who have bodies that don’t work and they are in awful shape physically, but for some reason they still have hope. I’ve got things loads of other people would give their left and right arms for: I’ve got a roof over my head, I’ve got money in my pocket, its not huge but its enough, and I’ve got three healthy grandchildren, why aren’t I delighted? So this was an opportunity for me to get things off my chest. Here it is, I’ve got them off my chest, but I don’t fucking care. Ok, I can do things like this. I can see that other people have a bit more difficulty, I just see what the pictures are and tear them up and stick them down. I don’t have any fear about getting it right, there is no right about this, its just a matter of doing it.”